Because I love you, I have forsaken my self-destructive instinct to shut-up and shut-down. Loving you has given me the strength to abandon my cowardice and reveal myself vulnerably and fairly to you. Usually, I would have accepted your newly-pre-cautious nature as my answer: you are better off without knowing I love you. But drawing from my personal beliefs that fairness plays a prominent role in the natural flow of life, I hope to honor and respect you and myself by letting you decide after knowing all my hindered & unhindered thoughts/emotions.

It was a thick conversation, full of frothy complications. What was to be my reaction to a close friend of mine dating my sister's ex whom is the father of her 1yr old child? 

A. I trust that my friend whom is lost among her inner world will realize that the abusive man and absent father is not her taste.

B. and secondly, if that is not the case, I expect to lose most of my affection towards her because I cannot locate any intelligence in such rationalization that justifies admiration of a bad being. Yes, bad- not far off from 'evil'.

C. I love my friend. So perhaps I will try to be open to her new relationship with this....demon? Yep, nope. Not going to happen? I want to say that I will try, but my distaste for the man is not having that. 

So, D.   I'm walking off and away. I'm sick of fighting for relationships, because I'm slowly witnessing that it is a fight for a reason.

Creating a new xanga is up for consideration as an effort to remove myself from the frame of mind I am grown into cultured by my life. To continue growing emotionally and mentally I must be repotted with fresh soil. It will not be 'starting over'; it will be 'starting from'. In my entries it is seen that my thoughts are scattered and incomplete; this can be attributed to laziness. I simply have not wanted to put in the thinking effort required to develop and complete my thoughts. My first thought on that is that I do not possess enough knowledge of matters or ideas to fondle with and determine for myself how to perceive them. Also, for half of my lifetime thus far, Ie was not known well to myself. That still may quantify some truth, I have not looked into it because laziness to follow-through with critical thinking is a habit for me. There was a period of time in my life that I maintained exceptional self-discipline, but that is not the case now. I do not feel the want to need. Rationally speaking, I am aware that I must take over control of my life very soon. Distant memories of previous satisfaction with my life and myself have planted seeds of hope to return to wanting. This is mess. I wonder if I had any idea when I chose to believe that drifting was appropriate that I was notably weaker mentally. The memory of a night comes to mind and from it I feel comfortable and confident to state that I did consider that unfavorable consequences should be expected. The night is represented only by blurred darkness in my memory, but my mind did distinctly notate my strength bowing out to signify my allowance given for the bargaining of my emotional anchors in exchange for my emotions being numbed. With my anchors parted from me the struggle to take power of myself is daunting. Whether or not it is within my capabilities to achieve success I expect to be determined by my choice of 'yes' or 'no'. For eight months I have gone through as few motions of living I could manage to get by with. So many changes were made to me that I do not know if I am the original person I grew to be or are my definitive personality characteristics altered. The importance of love was the wind in the sail of my life. The last relationship I was a part of seems to me now to have fulfilled my unique quota for experience in love. Companionship, once a prominent desire I believed to be a cornerstone of my happiness, does not hold any allure for me. For any length of time in isolation I receive solitude that suits me as though it were custom-fit. My former regard for love and companionship is no more; disregard has taken post. The drastic changes to these of all my values has bred reasonable worry for whom I will amount to after the sum of changes to my character are addressed. I will not get into the discussion of nature versus nurture, though that is where the course of my thoughts were leading to. The ballot is not decided. However, I feel that it is important to either direction of progress that will eventually ensue that it is mentioned here that a hint of my self-defensive instinct flared ever-so-slightly